I don’t know who’s reading my blog posts. It’s not like an Insta story I can sneak a peek and see who’s doing some peeking too. That’s why it’s pretty strange to write about something I didn’t get to tell some of my close friends and family yet. There’s a part of me who doesn’t want the people close to me to find out about this online - but some will, I guess.
It was a week and a half ago that I faced a new challenge that came to check how well-trained I am with letting go. I mean, all the years practicing yoga and meditation, being aware of attachment to objects and subjects, they must lead somewhere, right?. The answer is NO. They don’t have to lead to anything. But in my case it looks like they did; A year and a half ago I met a guy who became my best friend, then lover and lastly my partner (or what is more known as BoyFriend). Yet, although we have the best connection and most profound love, we’ve decided to end the romantic journey and continue from now on as just friends. No fighting, no drama, just understanding that this is not the time for us and that it might never be. Understanding that it’s time to let go.
The moment of experiencing true friendship. (Drawing: me)
One of the questions arisen from this situation is, “Does well trained non-attacher cries when she/he is breaking up?.” And the answer is “Definitely!.” The ability to let go doesn’t take away human emotions; it just gives a lighter and freer perspective on life. It takes away the suffering we connect to certain feelings and thoughts. And maybe, in time, it will take away sadness for not only understanding but also internalizing all is temporary. But until that moment comes, if saying goodbye to a loved one brings a tear to your eye, it is not a bad thing or a spiritual failure.
It’s overwhelming yet amazing to think of how vast is the range of emotions we can experience as humans. But more amazing is understanding how much those feelings can teach us about ourselves. Sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, excitement, etc., are all emotions we experience in life. The skill (I think) we all wish to acquire is the ability to allow the feelings to just be and not necessarily react to them, or more importantly, not to escape or suppress them. Because feelings/emotions are reactions to thoughts, or maybe even thoughts by themselves, and we are not our thoughts (they are “ours” not “us”), so why should they determine anything?.
So, as a hu(wo)man, I was sad to part ways from my partner romantically. Those waves of sadness still return at times, but I also was and still am very happy knowing both of us acted on the understanding that breaking up is the right thing to do. Alongside the happiness came excitement for the new opportunities both of us have for growth and development. I did ask myself more than once why am I crying if I am so happy and couldn’t come up with answers. The tears can come for many reasons:
-The ego being offended for not being chased after.
-Looking after what is being lost while ignoring the fact a lot is being gained.
-Fear of change, loneliness, etc.
-It could be endless, so I’ll stop here.
The sadness I experience is an excellent opportunity for me to face and get to know my fears better, to observe my thoughts, and to become friends with the sides I would likely try to mask if this would have happened a year ago.
I haven’t been drinking or doing drugs for years, but at other times I would easily fall back to smoking a few cigarettes a day, binge eat, purge, and from there go into a deeper low. Now it’s the first time none of the above took place. I don’t know where the bravery to look into my sad eyes came from, but I’ve been looking at them with compassion for a long time now. I believe this love and acceptance I show myself are the secret to my healing journey, not just from the current division of two loving hearts. Coming to think of it, I do know where it came from - It came from allowing myself to sit quietly with myself and get to know myself. It came from searching for what’s inside instead of what I can get from the outside.
I’m still a part-time doll on a spiritual journey. (Drawing: me)
I started practicing daily meditation about four or five years ago, inspired by my guru Swami Kashi. I started with two minutes in the beginning, then climbed to five minutes, ten minutes... and now I sit down with myself every morning for about an hour. I wake up, freshen up a bit, and sit down for my daily meeting with me.
So much has been said about meditation, but now I can add one more thing; Meditation can stop your heart from breaking. What stands whole on its own can never break, only connect.