There is a saying that used to really annoy me: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” It used to bring up so much resistance within me, and I could not understand how people thought it’s even partially true. Yet now, with all the discomfort it brings, I know it to be true; How I do one thing is how I do everything, and sometimes understanding that brings on a heavy shitty feeling before it brings any hope.
I think it’s time to confess: Even though I’ve done (and doing) awesome things with lots of love and dedication, I mainly am half-assing life.
I am half-assing when it comes to my art, health, spirituality, friendships, and in the last few years I am bluntly half-assing in romantic relationships. It’s nice to look at the positive things I do WHOLE-ASSIVLY like daily meditation practice, asana (yoga) practice, cat raising, teaching, bill paying, etc. However, letting it veil all other areas where I lack commitment and dedication, can lead to serious stagnation in my life (if not a complete fall down).
"sometimes understanding that brings on a heavy shitty feeling before it brings any hope." Pic: Hadar Dolan and I, Doll-Parts, 2018
One might say: “you must choose your battles. You can't give your all to everything you do.” but I find it to be a misunderstanding of what the phrase is all about. I believe it intends to say: all you do must align with your core values, and if you betray yourself it will stain and effect all other areas you believe you’re doing “so well” in.
And like all things in life, it all comes down to lack of self-love, believing we not enough and don’t deserve.
I can give you one hot example from my current situation;
If I wish to pursue the artistic path of drawing, writing, showing, and talking about my art, I must believe in myself, see my worth and not let any obstacles bring me down. If I listen to my heart and know what I want, I must surrender and do the things that serve me on my path.
So I’ll make enough time for creating, stop procrastinating and do it, put myself and my work out there, etc.
And let’s say I feel like I do all of that when it comes to my creativity. Yet, when it comes to relationships, while knowing I wish to be in a loving, growing, and committed relationship, I’m ending up having a friendship with benefits that’s going nowhere - That’s a stinker that can stink up the entire room.
Half-Assing in the relationship realm has its toll on my creativity, and to phrase it better; it’s a reflection of how much I listen to my heart and do what serves me best. If I show a lack of faith and deserving in relationships, I’m welcoming it to other areas as well. And so I might find it easy to get discouraged in my creativity, always go for mediocracy, get back to procrastinating, etc.
And even if I do find success in art but settle for part-time love, it just shows I’m compensating with my unresolved self-hate somewhere else. I will stay with my insecurities and underline misery because my lack of faith and self-love issues are not thoroughly taken care of.
The sour taste of treating yourself like shit. Drawing: Me, "looking for my soy-milk", Doll-Parts, 2019
How I act must mirror how I feel about myself.
Must be love.
And then it can go from me to others even stronger than it does now.
From Half-Assing to Whole-Assing
Well, it’s important to say that it’s not a one day retreat that takes me, or us, from half-assing to a life of shinny and round whole-assness. We DRIFT from the point we are at to the other, growing bit by bit, and peeling off layer after layer of our fake identities masks.
So what now?
How do we start drifting toward our true selves?
Because we are talking about drifting, I don’t believe going for an overnight makeover will be the right solution (it could have the same effect as a starvation diet that leads to binging like crazy). I say, let’s start with one area and make the changes we feel are necessary in it. It is possible that striving for a change in one field will affect other ones.
So, I plan to have a “21 days of Whole-Assing challenge,” where I focus on creativity.
If you remember, my art was the first thing I mentioned when listing my half-assing areas, which means I’m pretty frustrated about it. It also goes well with the fact my first Berlin exhibition is coming up on September 5th-6th - an excellent time to woman-up my game :)
In the days of the challenge, I will invest daily in drawing, writing, and sharing on social media (text, images, or both). That’s aside from the regular tasks and work.
And of course, I can have one day off a week if needed.
Let us see what the commitment to my heart calling will do. No expectations.
So Who’s joining me?
Can you choose one area in your life that can use some more love? That you feel you've been neglecting and denying it from its true heart calling?
If so, join me!
It doesn’t mean you need to quit your day job (if you have any - we’re still on corona planet), but make time and set intentions to make that area in your life aligned with your heart’s desire.
I’ll be tagging my posts related to challenge with the hashtag: #wholeassingchallenge
So you can follow, join, and invite others to join too.
21 days of whole-assing! it's going to be fun!
Drawing: Me, self-portrait (as the queen we all are), 2019
We will officially start the challenge on Wednesday, 19th of august, so you have the time to prepare ;)
I already started by writing this blog post.
See you soon My whole-assing friends! <3