I'm not a huge fan of reducing people down to their organs and especially their genitalia, but at this moment in my life, I find penises to be nothing more than a distraction. Or, in a word, Dickstraction.
I've returned to single life not that long ago, and unlike me after my last breakup, I'm not looking for anything that will help me move on to the next one or erase the bad taste I have from the last one (or attempt to anyway). My previous relationship was a seven years-long with A LOT of ups and downs. Now I know most of those extremes were self-inflicted. After that relationship was officially over, I was obsessed with finding someone else. Not a necessarily a serious "else," but I felt like I had to get physical with a different body and energy than the one I was with for seven years. I must say it wasn't easy to find someone back then because most of the potential people were ones I knew from work, and I didn't want to mix things up. Well, I ended up mixing it up. But that's a story for another time.
The bottom line is there are two main differences between what happened after the last breakup and this one; The first difference, as mentioned, is the fact that this time around, I don't feel any need to find the "next thing," serious or not. The second is, that this time the "next thing" is not hard to find at all. In fact, the options are coming from all directions. "God gives nuts to those who have no teeth." This is how I feel at the moment. On second thought, maybe god (you can call her/him "the universe" if god freaks you out) has decided to test my resilience against my sex drive.
No Lust for me for meow. Detail from a drawing of mine inspired by music and relationships
There is a process taking place within me that started years ago and seems to be getting more and more intense these last few years. I now call it "seeing through the bullshit." I'll explain; Seeing through the bullshit, in this case, means to notice what it is I do that truly serves me and is aligned with my core values, and what is nothing more than a distraction from more profound issues I need to deal with. For example, shopping for clothes; If in the past I used to crave shopping every now and then and felt really good or even high after finding a pair of gorgeous shoes or the perfect jeans, now I know I was deceiving myself. I believed I can get happiness by getting/consuming something only to find that this is a very short-lasting joy. And to keep that joy from fading away, I will have to get/consume more and more (which some do). Also, as I was doing that (consuming), I paid no attention to the true cost of shopping for clothes/shoes; environmental cost, human rights/animal rights, etc.
This example can be applied to anything external that you believe brings you happiness, joy, or relief from suffering/frustration (drinking, smoking, sexing, eating, traveling…).
I found that the less I try to escape looking at my automated choices (daily ones and "every now and then" ones), the more I learn about myself and can make choices that are right for me and fellow hu(wo)mans. Instead of choices that are better for the textile industry, drug companies, the alcohol industry, misogynists, narrow-minded people, and so on.
According to Google, it was Socrates who said: "To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom" (in google I trust for I have no Socrates books around ;)), and girl that man was right!.
Wisdom is greater than knowledge, for you can know a lot about one subject, but it doesn't mean you get it. Internalize it. You can "know" and declare you drink alcohol daily, binge-eat a few times a week, smoke here and there and so on, and also "know" those are not the best choices for you, but it's not the same as looking at those choices and starting to unravel the reasons why you make them in the first place. What are you in their presence, and what will you be without them?. Knowing the "why" is the way to know and understand yourself. And when you do, you'll have the chance to develop a deeper understanding of yourself that potentially will help you shed off of yourself all of the acts that serve you not.
Not something that's about to happen soon ;) (Touchups in a photoshoot that can easily be missunderstood ;D . Photo: Hadar Dolan)
Now there's a slight chance you're wondering how does it all connects to DICKstractions, or maybe not. Either way, it feels like it might be the right time to explain; Since my previous breakup, and throughout my recant relationship+breakup, I was diligently observing my behavior regarding the opposite sex; Why do I want a relationship? Do I want a committed relationship? Why do I choose to be with one person at a time? Do I want to date and be sexually active with more than one person at a time? What makes me attracted to one person and not the other? How sex makes me feel? When do I prefer certain sex poses? How "chasing" after someone makes me feel? How does "being chased" by someone make me feel? And the list goes on and on. I was really looking into EVERYTHING and got to the conclusion that;
IT'S ALL ONE BIG (or not that big..) DICKSTRACTION.
When I take my attention outwards, it's directed out there instead of being right here. It's another way to take my mind off other issues that are deeper and not as comfortable to deal with because they are shitty. Sex and relationships are just another way to take my mind off my "shittuse" by creating new issues (good or not that good).
Getting butterflies for a new guy and thinking about what it could be, getting the excitement and rush of a new sexual partner, enjoying the warmth of sexual intimacy, or just getting the kick of feeling wanted and sexy (because what am I worth if I don't have others lust me... Another big topic I can talk about for hours) - All of those are nothing but distractions. Dickstractions. They take the attention away from that silent voice inside of you dying to be heard. That voice is silent because it's lying in your heart, which around you've built massive, thick, soundproof walls. That voice is your heart screaming, but you can't hear it, and every time you might pick up a small hiss, you quickly find another noisy activity that will shut your ears and take your mind off of it again. All to stay deaf, all to remain numb. All to keep on playing by the rules others set for you to fit in, and you've set for yourself so you won't get hurt, or feel shame, misplaced, and unloved.
Taking a moment to listen. Drawing; ME.
I don't crave a dickstractions not because I don't like men or don't believe in love/relationships or don't see the great power of sex and intimacy. I don't crave dickstractions because I notice they take my mind away from listening to what my heart is saying at the moment. I can't say I can hear my heart loud and clear yet, but I am more attentive and can see more clearly how I keep escaping from listening to it. Not just by thinking about penises, the men they are attached to, and their relation to I, but with other daily choices as well. And I don't see this as a declaration of celibacy for life, even though it might happen someday. I see this as taking a moment off dating or sexing to get more grounded in my ability to listen to my inner voice by melting the walls srounding my heart. I feel that when I do, the dickstractions will no longer be interruptions that take me off my path, but will accompany me and support my journey.
In the name of love and compassion, for the self, which is us all.