t's been about a week since I published the "Stay Away from DICKstractions" blog post, and as I was publishing it, I already felt something was missing. I felt I made it seem like I'm rock solid in my decision to avoid dickstractions, and not get involved with anyone (or anyone's "thing") at the moment. In real life, it's not the case, and I do have my moments of horny doubts. I guess I am not quite as stable in my decision as I might have proclaimed to be (well, few are the things in life I and others are 100% sure of 100% of the time).
To my defense, I can mention the fact we are thinking beings. Excessively thinking beings to be exact. And even when we decide about something, we'll probably have contradictory thoughts about the matter either daily, weekly or yearly - that's just the way it is. For example, I quit smoking a while ago and now can have a pack of cigarettes at home without craving a smoke every time I remember it's there. And still, thoughts about smoking do randomly cross my mind. But when they do, they vanish with no need to forcefully push them down. It's like they are so weak, my confidence in the decision not to smoke knocks them down just by looking at them;
Eye candy. The perfect pic for this post ;) Drawing; Me, "Eye-Candy", Pencil and Color-Pencil on Paper, 2019.
Whenever a smoky thought comes up I can't help but think about how smelly it is, how badly it burns my throat, and how it gives me a fake sense of relaxation and happiness. And I go for real happiness nowadays - not the fake one. This may happen once every few months, and If I wasn't as attentive I could have said I never think about smoking at all :)
And so, like cigarettes, the same goes for when I'm sure and secure in my approach regarding relationships, work, lifestyle, and of course - Dickstractions;
There's a not a very distant version of me, that if was in my current shoes would have surely fucked her way out of this emotional mess. Or would've shagged all the way to the realms of the non-attachment if you will. That version still exists, and she still has her opinion on how it all should be. She sees all the opportunities around and believes it will be just glorious to get all high and excited finding new sexual partners or simply finding comfort in feeling wanted, validated, and warm with another male being. Either way, she would love a good dickstraction from life and the painful uncertainty that comes with it.
For the moment, she's not interested in anything "serious" because she and I both know there's a piece of my heart that still clings to the last relationship and needs more time for the act of letting go (and focus on other shittuse as explained in DIcstractions #1). However, unlike the current me, for the old version, sex can be used as a great tool to forget the past, or more correctly, push it aside.
Sometimes she tries to convince me to follow her cravings by presenting sex as a form by which I can exchange love and do good for me and others. For if I come from a loving place, it will be an exchange of loving energy. Easy, right?! And me? I'm all about sharing love and positivity. But, even though it can be true, it seems to me that in real life, it is hardly the case. Why? One, as hard as it may be to separate sometimes, lust and love are not the same thing. Second, our reasons for having sex are often much more complex than we are willing to admit. What can we do, It's a fact that our mind is brilliant when it comes to hiding what we feel deep in our hearts.
And even if us wanting sex is coming from a positive and loving place - Can I know for sure that's the case with my partner?. I believe not.
Can you tell what someone else feels when you can hardly tell what you're feeling?
Drawing; Me, Untitled, Pencil on Paper, 2018
If you think you can read souls, minds, hearts, vaginas, dicks, and assholes, try to remember; - The many times you were sure you'd read someone's intentions so perfectly, only to find out later, or years later, they meant something completely different. - The many times you thought someone is mad at you when they just had a bad day or believed you've met the happiest person alive and later found out they are professionally miserable but put on an excellent show (or use substances to cope with it). - The times you felt embarrassed to speak your heart, hide behind a happy mask, or tried to please others at your own expense. - The times you were sure you're acting from a good place and years later opened your eyes and realized that was not the case, and you were actually trying to please your partner, parents, ideals, or maybe simply get a sense of high to perish the low.
In short (because I might have gone all over the place for a bit), YOU CAN NEVER KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSE'S MIND (even if they tell you it might be a lie or half-truth). You can also be lying to yourself about your reasons to avoid dealing with deeper issues. So you think you're there for the exchange of love and good energy while you might be strengthening someone else's weakness or your own, or both. And it's sad because you might never know, and find yourself restlessly chasing after highs forever (which potentially will leave you eternally miserable for you will never make peace with the purest form of yourself).
I can share from my own experience with flings and neighbors (my nickname for friends with benefits), that I often used sex as a band-aid for wounds requiring deep surgery. When I was young, I primarily used sex as a means of self-validation and worth. I thought being wanted sexually meant I have a higher value as a being, and the more people wanted me and the more hot guys I slept with - the higher was my worth. As I got older, even though the self-validation component was still there, I started to crave more emotional depth and connection. Unfortunately, the more I used dickstraction in my late 20's and 30's I realized that short term connections don't get me deep enough. Too many masks stayed on, so unconditional love was never found there, as neither sides were able to fully bring themselves and feel loved for all they are (the shiny sides and the dark sides too). It can rarely happen when you meet just for some good time or have a limited amount of time together (which you try to make the most out of with minimum drama).
Twenty-One years old leaning and clinging on external validation
Pic; Shy Shmueli
So even though I do have that voice in my head calling for a physical connection, nothing manifests on the real plane. Hearing the thoughts does not require impulsively reacting to them - which leads to an important point; you will always have thoughts coming at you from all directions, and the question is, what are you going to do about it? Who is speaking louder here?. Can you tell?.
It seems to me I'm in a particular place in my life, where I notice that not all voices speak as loud. In this case, the voice of the old me who wants to shag her way "up" is weaker. It's weaker because what the old me has to offer is love that only scrapes the surface and never goes deep enough. And that's something I can no longer afford myself to do or be, not if I wish to stay connected and attentive to myself and others, and if I want to be as open and loving as can be.
There's a quote I came across lately that fits perfectly:
"You can no longer deceive yourselves as sincerely as you did before. You have now got the taste of truth." Ouspensky (quoting Gurdjieff)
Me following old patterns would be doing just that, deceiving myself, and I can't pull it off as easily as I did before. I now know love, and I felt the warmth of unconditional love. I was lucky to have felt loved and accepted, even when my darkest places were exposed. I know how deep and close two souls can get. I know how good sex gets the more I know, see, and love. Relationships and connections get stronger with time. And while the other alternative might be shiny and exciting, it doesn't blind my eyes anymore. I see through the illusion, and it's no longer serving its purpose.
I walk towards a life of strong connections, open heart, and tons of compassion. I walk towards life that is peaceful and harmonious. For this, I let go of the chase, noise, competition, restlessness, and all the other things that take me back to where I no longer fit.
If you got this far and read it all - Thank you!
Now give your kind eyes a rest.
With all the love,