Oh wow, how did I get here again? Another breakup, Really? And from the same guy I broke up with a million times before?
Haven’t the Jewish people suffered enough?!?!?! ;)
It feels somewhat the same, and yet this time it’s different. As before, I ride waves of sadness and then waves of gratitude and even bliss. The sad ones, I believe, come from a place of anger. At moments it feels like there’s anger directed at the other side, and I think it’s a mishmash of disappointment and anger. But quickly, it is clear I am angry and/or disappointed in myself for staying in a dead-end place for a very long time. Again.
Then, when I look a bit closer, I see all the beautiful things and all the growth that happened throughout the time of togetherness. I see that the sacrifice, the letting go of someone I love, is surprisingly rewarding. And I couldn’t see it from within, because by staying, I was going against my core values, and that really fucked me up.
From "Ma Boy" to "A Boy". A drawing made after our first official breakup last summer. (Ma Boy, Graphite on Paper, 2019)
Now, from the other shore, alongside the sadness, I can see myself walking towards a more self-loving version of myself. I see how much I’ve changed and how old patterns became irrelevant to me :
> I don’t smoke cigarettes (my favorite after breakup go to)
> I don’t binge eat (even now when I’m PMSing)
> I don’t purge (can’t really happen when not binging)
> I don’t go after casual sex (though I did consider it)
I know all of the above are options, and I keep them open. Those are the well known coping mechanisms that I've used over and over again in my life. The thing is, I know them too well to believe they truly work. I might go there, but I know the truth. I know that following my old patterns will distract me from the real issues lying underneath them; all the fears that hold me back from following my heart and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Or in other words, based on one of my favorite quotes, “I can no longer deceive myself as sincerely as I used to.” (from Ouspensky on Gurdjieff)
But hey, don’t worry, I do still use other (less destructive) distractions: I meet up with friends almost every day, I talk with my sisters on the phone for hours, I go out to nature a lot, I soak up the warm sun before it goes away for the winter, I eat peanut puffs for lunch, etc.
And, obviously, I continue dedicating myself to the yoga of eight limbs, creating art and sharing both art and yoga with others (that's more of a way of life than a distraction, but who knows).
With all the pain that comes from “Ma Boy” becoming just “A Boy” (he was never mine, but you know what I mean), also comes gratitude for coming so far on my personal journey. I am proud of my ability to stay in place even when it's uncomfortable. Not all the time, but a lot more than I used to. I can stand myself and even love myself throughout the entire day. Who would have thought :)
And with this positive note, I’ll end this blog post and wish you a happy new year (the Jewish calendar is different from the Gregorian one).
Promise to keep you updated. First, because writing about it helps me a lot. And second, I think it's nice to know we are not alone sometimes; there might be others out there going through a break up that would find comfort or relief in what I write here.
To be continued :)